


Just Give Me A Reason

by DearTreeBros (IceSensei)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Basically from AHAM to the computer lab scene, Bullying, Connor is looking for a reason not to die, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 23:26:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13534770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceSensei/pseuds/DearTreeBros
Summary: Connor just wants one reason not to kill himself. But apparently, the world can't even give him that.





	Just Give Me A Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions on how Connor contemplates killing himself.

 “It's your senior year, Connor.” Cynthia nagged as she poured filled Larry’s mug with his daily dose of coffee. Connor scowled as he rested his forehead on his hand, eyes starring angrily at the table. The way she spoke to him so blatantly condescendingly was irritating him. It was as if hadn’t already known the fact that it was a school day. “You are not missing the first day.”  
  
“I already said I'd go tomorrow.” He attempted to reason with her as he waved his hand dismissively. “I’m trying to find a compromise here.” He risked a glance at his mother only to avert his eyes upon seeing her disappointed gaze.

“Are you going to get involved here?” Of course, his mother was going to pull his father in this as if he would even consider getting involved to help the given the situation. Connor could hear Larry adjusting his chair with a dissatisfied sigh. “Or are you too busy on your email, Larry?” Cynthia was starting to sound as irritated as he son felt.

“You have to go to school, Connor.” His father said monotonously before taking a sip from his coffee.

“That’s all you’re going to say?” Cynthia asked, laughing slightly as if she could not believe that more was not said. Connor didn’t know why she sounded so disappointed there. She managed to get Larry say a whole seven words to him. Huge emphasis on the fact that it was said and not yelled.  
  
“What do you want me to say?” His father dismissed as Connor met Zoe’s dark glare from across the table. She was pushing the cereal around her bowl angrily. If looks could kill, Connor wouldn’t have to worry about choosing how he was going to kill himself. “He doesn't listen.” Larry complained loudly and waved a hand in his son’s general direction “Look at him, he's probably high.”  
  
“He's definitely high.” Zoe commented bitterly. Connor couldn’t help himself.

“Fuck you!” He exploded before laying his head on his arms as if he could block them all out if he couldn’t see them.

“Fuck you.” His sister retaliated with just enough bite to get away with swearing at her brother. But apparently, she had miscalculated.

“I do not need you picking at your brother right now.” Their mother scolded as she attempted to salvage the morning. Connor had to give Cynthia credit for holding on to that little piece of hope, though it was a little sad that she hadn’t realized how pointless it was. “That is not constructive.” She argued.

“Are you kidding?” Zoe asked around a mouthful of cereal.

“Besides, he’s not high.” Connor raised his head slowly to take note of the expressions of his family members. How many of them believed that? Given his sister’s cocked eyebrow and  the fact that Larry had not even looking up from his phone, none. “Are you high?” His mother’s disappointed tone echoed in his head.

“No.” He spoke quietly as he turned to face his mother. Connor actually hadn’t smoked this morning, believe it or not. Though it wasn’t by choice. His stash had run out and due to revoked car privileges, he hadn’t been able to go across town to get more from his dealer.   
  
“I don't want you going to school high, Connor!” Clearly his mother had either not heard him or chose not to believe him. Why would she trust him anyways? He had given her plenty of reason not to. “We have talked about this.” Actually no, they hadn’t. Cynthia had spoken, and Connor had ignored her. What was the point of arguing against someone who clearly had no more faith in his sobriety.   
  
“Perfect,” he led her on as he stood up from the table. If she thought he was high, he might as well try and play it to his favour. “So, then I won't go.” He angrily shouldered his bag, nearly knocking over his chair in the process. “Thanks, Mom!” He could practically hear the sarcasm dripping off his own words. What was the point of playing nice if it wouldn’t matter by the end of the day?

**CM**

Connor wasn’t exactly looking for a reason not to kill himself. But someone was to offer a glimmer that perhaps there was a reason for him to stick around a little longer, maybe he would reconsider overdosing on the container of prescription pain killers his mother kept in her cabinet.

“Hey Connor!”

The eldest Murphy sibling froze in his tracks and turned his head over to where Jared Kleinman stood. Ugh, not this guy.

“Loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Connor kept his face expressionless as he glared at the wannabe popular kid. Despite the sting he felt in his chest at the insult, he had to give the nerd props. At least he said it to his face instead of behind his back or expressed by pushing him into lockers.

“I was just kidding.” Jared said after a solid moment of silence. Obviously, he hadn’t gotten the reaction he had wanted from him or his lackey who stood silently behind him. “It was a joke.” Connor’s grip on his bag tightened. Oh yeah, explaining what it was that he said was going to make things all that much funnier.

“Yeah, no. It was funny.” Connor deadpanned. He felt somewhat satisfied to see the kid behind Jared fiddle nervously with the hem of his shirt. “I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” He continued. Kleinman starred at him blankly. Almost as if he were starring through him instead of at him. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” He said angrily as he took a few steps closer.

“You’re such a freak.” Jared motioned to him dismissively in the same manner that his father had this morning. Kleinman laughed to himself as he turned on his heels and walked away. Connor could feel his blood boiling as he watched him walk away before he was brought back to the present by what sounded like a muffled laugh.

_You’re such a freak._

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor asked Jared’s lackey. He now recognized him to be Evan Hansen from English class last year. At least from when he bothered to attend class.

“What?” Evan looked confused as he actually made eye contact with Connor. More than anyone has made with him in a long time. But it wasn’t as nice a feeling as he had hoped, it felt all too mocking.

“Stop fucking laughing at me!” He yelled. Connor would much rather go back to being ignored than to being acknowledged if it meant forgetting the judgemental look he was receiving from this kid.

“But I wasn’t laughing.” The kid denied as he diverted his gaze from Connor’s eyes to the ground.

“You think I’m a freak?” Connor pushed his bag to his side, freeing his hands from having to hold it as he took strides towards Evan. _Freak._ The word bounced around his head. His anger was starting to blind his senses. All he wanted right now was a joint, but he didn’t even have one on hand.

“No, no!” Evan put up his hands in front of him defensively as though he could somehow stop the violent force that was Connor Murphy. “I don’t.” But Connor, didn’t care to hear the rest. He just wanted to get out of the hallway at this point.

_You’re such a freak._

“I’m not the freak!” He yelled angrily as he continued towards Evan, as if stating the words aloud would somehow reassure him. The exit was behind him, Hansen just had to get out of the way.

“I wasn’t laughing.” He couldn’t take it anymore and Evan didn’t have the sense to move.

“You’re the fucking freak.” He snarled as he pushed the smaller boy out of his way. There was a twinge of guilt in him as he heard Hansen fall to the fall, but he didn’t have it in him as he rushed towards the doorway that would take him to back of school.

_You’re the freak._

Connor wiped angrily at the moisture in his eyes. Maybe he’d slice up his wrists instead of overdosing. Just so he could swap this pain for another.

**CM**

The guilt bothered Connor for the rest of the day. Had Evan even laughed at him? It could have as easily been a cough. He had pushed down likely the only other kid at school who could relate to him. He was pretty sure that he’s heard other students call Hansen a _freak_ before. Besides, that was also the mark he didn’t want to leave in the world if today was his last day.

The bullied who bullies, it was pathetic really.

Connor couldn’t really say how relieved he was to find Evan in the computer lab at the end of the day. It was a chance to maybe redeem himself. “So!” He said loudly so not surprise the fidgety kid before he got too close. The sight of the cast had his stomach turning with more guilt. “What happened to your arm?” He asked. Had it been there when he pushed him that morning? Or did he cause that?

“Oh. It, um.” Evan diverted his eyes from Connor’s and looked at his cast as if he had forgotten that it was there. He made some vague motion as he admitted, “I fell out of a tree.” Hansen looked embarrassed by the fact but falling out of a tree wasn’t a way that high school seniors broke their arms. It sounded like he had made it up.

“Fell out of a tree?” He echoed. Evan avoided eye contact before looking up and Connor felt relief spread through him as he saw the honest shame in his face. “Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.” He winced internally as he couldn’t control his laughter at the end of that comment.

“I know.” It only made him feel slightly better when Evan let out a breathy laugh as he agreed with his morning aggressor.

“Um,” Connor shifted his weight from foot to foot awkwardly. “No one’s, uh, signed your cast.” He realized that he had pointed out the obvious as he pointed at Evan’s arm. Way to go Murphy, as if he didn’t know that already.

“No, I know.” The manner in which Hansen agreed with him somehow made him like it was okay that he had stated an obvious remark.

“I’ll sign it.” He said with significantly more confidence that he felt that he had in him at the moment.

“Oh, you don’t have to.” Evan shook his head in shock, as if someone volunteering to sign his cast was out of the ordinary. Well it might’ve been for him considering the blank plaster on his arm. Maybe Kleinman wasn’t actually Hansen’s friend after all.

“Do you have a sharpie?”

Connor felt almost excited to leave his mark in a positive way as Evan willingly fished a sharpie out of his pocket and offered it awkwardly to him. When Hansen didn’t bring up his arm so that he could sign it, he reached out and pulled it up with a little more force that he had intended.

“Ow.” Connor looked up guiltily to make sure that Evan was okay and that he hadn’t done irreversible damage before turning back to the blank slate. He couldn’t even do something remotely nice without fucking up apparently. An intrusive thought told him to make his signature as big as possible and he gave in to the urge.

“Oh. Great.” Evan’s tone had his stomach sinking as he read Connor’s name. “Thanks.” Maybe he hadn’t wanted him to sign and only let him because he was scared that the supposed ‘school shooter’ would push him around if he didn’t. He took a page from Hansen’s book and fidgeted with his hands.

“Well, now we can both pretend that we have friends.” Connor mumbled as Evan finally looked up from his cast only to go back to observing the blocky letters that took up a huge portion of his arm. He nodded absentmindedly as he walked past Connor to leave.

“That’s good.” He said quietly. “Good point.” Connor chose then to remember the page that he was holding.

“Is this yours?” Evan turned around and looked at the page that Connor held up for him to see. “Um, I found it on the printer. It’s, it’s, uh.” He struggled to get such simple words out of his mouth and he felt frustration at himself stirring. All he had to do was fucking read the words off the paper. “Dear Evan Hansen. That’s your name, right?” He tried to hide his frustration with what he hoped was a friendly smile.

“No, no, no.” Evan shook his head quickly and Connor dropped the smile from his face. “That’s just a, it’s just a stupid paper that I had to write.” He pulled in the page to read more as Hansen reached to take it. “So, so, it’s for an assignment.” That’s when his face really fell.

“Because there’s Zoe?” He read aloud. Why does everything always to do with Zoe Murphy? “Uh, is this about my sister?” He asked quietly after the few seconds it took to absorb the information.

“No, not at all!” Hansen denied immediately as he grasped again for the page. Connor yanked it out of reach.

“You wrote this,” he was raising his voice and teachers as well as students lingering outside the room would probably start to hear him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “because you knew that I would find it.”

“What?” His face only showed confusion and Connor had to give him credit. It really looked believable.

“Yeah, uh.” It was all coming together now. This was some elaborate ploy that Evan came up with to get back at Connor for pushing him this morning. “You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this, and you printed this out so that I would find it.”

“Why, why would I?” Evan’s tone was getting a little frantic and he was shaking his head in denial to accusations vehemently. For once, it was Connor who struggled to keep eye contact.

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right!” He exploded, that’s probably what Hansen wanted after all. Might as well give him it. “And then, you can tell everybody that I’m crazy!” That’s the song they’ll be singing anyways when he’s not here tomorrow.

“What?” As if this kid was still in denial.

_You’re such a freak._

“Right?” He yelled leaning forward slightly as he shifted from one foot to the other

“No! I didn’t!”

“Fuck you!” He pointed one last accusatory finger at Hansen. The guy didn’t even have the guts to fess up to what he was doing. He barely resisted the urge to push Evan once more. He could hear Hansen follow him out the computer lab pleading to give him the page, but Connor didn’t give a shit.

_You’re such a freak_

Fuck Jared Kleinman too for providing the words that will be stuck in his head when he’ll tighten the noose around his neck. Fuck Larry for not having faith in him, fuck Cynthia for not trying where it mattered, and fuck Zoe for giving up on him. But fuck himself too for giving everyone a reason to hate him.

So much for someone giving him a reason to stick around a little longer.

**Author's Note:**

> I have always been a strong believer in the fact that Connor didn't necessarily want to kill himself completely. The scene with Evan in the computer lab is Connor trying to redeem himself but it backfired and just sort of proved to him that he didn't want to be there anymore. 
> 
> No one should ever be afraid to reach out for the help they need and deserve. There are so many resources available and there are always ways to get help anonymously if that's what you're afraid of.
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/deartreebros) for questions, support or constructive criticism.


End file.
